Secret Plans of Failure

I'm doing it.  I'm stepping off the Topamax wagon.  Friday night I did decrease to 25 mg Topamax doses as planned, keeping up on the 2000mg vitamin D supplementation.  I've been doing 25 mg twice a day, and I realize now I think I was supposed to start with only moving one of my daily doses down to 25 mg, but...eh.  I have just learned from my dear dad-in-law that vitamin E is also recommended for migraine sufferers, and in my vitamin E research I have found that B complex is also.  As I am starting on Folic Acid with B complex anyway (will let you know when), the latter is covered.  This will be an interesting discovery period. 

I have truly had an abundance of energy this weekend; I can already tell the difference.  Now, I won't promise it's not all in my head, but Topamax half-life is 21 hours, so it makes sense that I would feel the difference.  It is as if I have risen out of a fog - into a lighter fog.  It's pretty wonderful.  I did have a migraine yesterday and had to medicate with Imitrex - and boy did the Imi knock me for a loop this time - but I guess my body needs to adjust to the new levels (I hope that's all).  And it's not like I didn't get plenty of migraines while on Topamax anyway.  I didn't have migraines Saturday or Sunday.

So have I run yet?  No.  I honestly thought I would be reporting something different in this blog today.  Saturday morning I secretly planned a run before we celebrated our friend's birthday (sushi lunch, ahhhhh!), but I awoke starving.  When I'm even mildly in shape, I don't mind running hungry.  Sure it's harder, but I'd rather just get out there and do it.  However, when I'm out of shape, there isn't much more miserable/discouraging than running on empty.  As our pantry doesn't look like most pantries in this century (therefore nothing quick was available), I was going to cook an egg or so, rest on it for a bit, then hit it.  But turning the "getting out the door" process into something so high-maintenance made me realize it was looking like less of a reality.  Especially since my husband and I were having such great "conversation", which delayed getting up until quite late and I had to jump in the shower to get ready for lunch (which was in the next town).  After our friend's birthday celebration we went to church (we go to Saturday night service to avoid the crush of the Sunday a.m. services as well as to avoid getting up and rolling weekend mornings), then we had to eat, and then and then and then...it was too late.  Sunday held different activities, but was patterned the same.

So what can be learned from this?  Several key things.

1. Why did I secretly plan my runs this weekend? Because I assumed I would fail and I preferred my failure to be secret as well.  Tsk tsk.  By not telling p.j. what I planned/hoped to do, he couldn't help me to succeed, and he loves to help me to succeed.  He already knows about my struggle and doesn't judge me, I need to ignore the lie that he will judge me if I report to him as an act of accountability, whether or not I succeed that particular time.  (And if he does secretly judge me, so what?  He can still help me.)
2. My days lack structure, and due to this I lose valuable time between activities. I need to begin asking God to show me how and give me the strength and ability to make a good daily structure (hate to say schedule - my family would hate me).   Every time I have accomplished this in my own strength, I have been super-schedule-nazi for awhile, then I just crash and burn.  I need God's grace and hand on this.

Another thing, I've set my alarm for 6 a.m. Monday & Tuesday mornings, but have snoozed it to death!  Must pray for some stinking self-discipline and less love for that bed of laziness.