Well, I feel like a big, dumb loser for not getting up this morning to run. The half-asleep me is an excellent and convincing debater. Sleep smothers reason, and half-asleep would do anything to become full on snooze.
It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get, and I even count to make sure I'm getting up at the end of a sleep cycle in order to to set myself up for success. There was no green beer or anything of the like last night, so it's not like I'm reaping what I sewed.
What to do, what to do? p.j. asked me if I would like for him to help. He said he would be insistent if it wouldn't get him into trouble. Ha, that was pretty funny. So I think we'll try it. But no telling how the half-asleep me will respond, and my husband is beautiful without black eyes. If that version of me is mean to p.j., I will instantly lose that resource.
So, enough of the guilt. Repent and move on. The actual repenting isn't quite as easy as I'd like (so God help me). BUT! It's another beautiful day, I have my two classes today, I get to see my friends and my p.j. tonight.
There's a migraine "thing" out there that I have read about for quite some time, and I plan to explore it as a root of many/most of my migraines and as a means of stopping them. Feelings of guilt, or perceived guilt, lead to fear. Think about it. Perceiving that we carry guilt about something causes us to consider, often subconsciously, the consequences of whatever led to that feeling of guilt. The guilt followed by fear lowers serotonin levels and heightens histamine levels in us. And that, my friends, is the recipe for a migraine.
There are, of course, other roots to the problem. Hormones, food sources, weather changes, and a kajillion other possibilities, which makes it really difficult to figure the cause sometimes. But when a person has known the food sources through the study and experimentation of many years of illness, is in tune to hormone cycles due to the same, but unexplained migraines yet occur, it's time to look elsewhere.
I have been living in a giant, lifelong guilt complex. From childhood through now, my actions have been scrutinized, my feelings squelched, and everything true about me has been shamed by key family members (who also deal with others in this manner) and, consequently, by me. I'm not laying blame on my family for being rooted in legalism and not living in grace; they know no better, but simply function from an ignorant place. I do find its important to let the truth be the truth, however, and to let illusions of reality fade away. I don't know how not to feel responsible for every bad thing, or anyone's bad mood even, around me. I don't know how not to feel shame for who I am. My brain knows I'm not guilty, but something rooted deeply inside of me knows that I am. Romans 8:1 says "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." I am in Christ Jesus and I choose to walk according to the Holy Spirit, which means that there is no condemnation for me, but I have been covered with the righteousness of Jesus. This means I have no guilt, as that guilt hung on the cross with Him on Calvary. Colossians 2:13-14 says "And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." So, do I believe it or not? I would say yes, as my brain believes it. But I have to say no, as my heart doesn't get it. My heart needs to get it, and now it's time to seek that out.
