Physiological Laziness?

I have some new information today which may be groundbreaking in my struggle.  As a lucky migraine-getter, I take a daily preventative, morning and night: Topamax.  Today I read up on it to see if it is safe for pregnant women (yeah, I doubted it too), as it has occurred to me that I might have to taper off of it before the possibility of conception happens.  Among the varied, interesting and terrible things I have found (bad idea for pregnant women) is a basic list of side effects which I have long forgotten:

• fatigue or drowsiness
• difficulty with concentration
• difficulty finding the right word (word retrieval)
• confusion
• dizziness
• unsteadiness
• a feeling of pins and needles, usually in the tips of the fingers and toes
• loss of appetite and weight loss
• nervousness
• depression
• difficulty with memory

Without making this longer and duller than necessary, I will say that I am startled and am motivated to stop taking Topamax, especially since supplementing with Vitamin D has made such a dramatic and great change to my health.  I have experienced such fewer migraines since whomping up on D (and have even eaten CHOCOLATE several times with no punishment!) that I have been motivated to do mini-research on a possible connection between Vitamin D deficiency and migraines, and boy there quite IS a connection!  I wonder why my significant migraine research has never uncovered this before?

Lessons for today:

1. Have your doctor order regular blood labs on you.  Keep tabs on what's going on inside your machine.  When something is off, get 'er back on track.
2. Stay informed on what you're swallowing.  While this goes for absolutely everything, I'm specifically speaking of medications, supplements, foods and other substances you put in your mouth.

In accidental response to Lesson 1, my Vitamin D supplementation has been knocking out multiple problems I didn't know I had.  Rather, I thought they were "all in my head".  Sorry for the ambiguity, but I'm either too lazy or too tired to go on about it now.

In response to Lesson 2, I am ready to taper off of my medication, as I will need to do so soon enough anyway.  (I have already been given the "all clear" to handle this by my doc.)  Simply stopping a medication due to its side effects will often not be a possibility, but knowing about it is half the battle.  If I wouldn't/won't be able to cope with pain without the medication, at least being ultra aware that much of the way I feel might be attributed to the medication, I will be better able to draw that line between my identity and the effects of the drug.  This will help me to work with what I have, not making better excuses (ha ha!), but accepting reality and doing my best despite it.  However, as of this moment I am excited to taper off of Topamax and see how that works with my heightened Vitamin D levels.  For more information, read here.

My usual dosage is 50 mg in the a.m. + 50 mg in the p.m.  Tonight I will take 25 mg!

Addiction

Today the sun is shining and I long to go for a run.  I don't know if I actually would go for a run if I were to be able to today this afternoon/evening, but right now I am mildly on fire!  Another thing of significance is that yesterday I longed to go on a run as well, and at a lesser intensity than today.  That means that since knocking out some excuses and praying about being able to overcome the difficulties of getting out the door, I have for two consecutive days desired to run and in increasing amounts.
 
Note that I still have not run, however.  There are good reasons for this, this time, and not lame excuses (although there might have been lame excuses if there hadn't been great reasons, you never know).  Yesterday I headed home from work, had a quick dinner with j.p., orchestrated a messy schedule, picked up some peeps and headed off to church, then did the after church drop off just in time to get "the cats" rounded up with all of their stuff and get them shipped out the door (oh finally, this glorious day - I suppose there's no place for this story in this blog today).  By the time all of this was done, it was 9:30 and time to sit and try to wear off the accidental overdose of my anti-migraine medication.  So while I don't expect I would have run, I'm not even going to suggest I could have.  As for today, I have two classes, one starting just as I get off of work and the other starting half hour after the first one ends.  I get home between 9:30 and 10:00, and am not willing to dress for a run when I should be dressing for bed.  I do not feel this is unreasonable by any measure.

I have a morning bed addiction which I have been meaning to face, but which is...well...an addiction.   I fight with the idea of getting up early for running vs. getting up early for time with Jesus and do neither.  I truly do believe what is stated in Matthew 6:33 - But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.  ("all these things" being things we eat, things we drink, things we wear, as stated in verse 31 just prior, referring to the things we need for healthy living).  Living according to this, I would like to get up early to seek God and make that relationship my #1 priority and let Him add running unto me, which I know He will do.  But, you know, bed addiction.  Maybe we'll talk more about this later.

Did Somebody Conquer Rome In A Day?

I wonder if nickle & diming kills excuses like nickle & diming kills my bank account?  Well I intend to find out.

Without going great gusto, the 'all or nothing' from my inglorious past, I have attended to a thing or two as effort has permitted.  I'll revisit the numbered points (I like to call them points rather than excuses - sounds better) I bulleted on my Feb 19th post:
1) Accidentally found Nike+ shoe insert thingy.  Purposely put it in my running shoe in my closet so I'll know where it is.
2) By now, I happen to remember that I leave a pocket under the laces & tongue of one of my shoes to secure the Nike+ thingy in.  While that's usually good enough (and works better for me than any suggestion I've read online so far), I think wrapping it in a small piece of non-slick cloth first will keep it from it's occasional slippage down into the main shoe area (terribly uncomfortable).  Uh oh, now I'm preventing excuses in advance.
3) Found iPod, as I searched it out for some other use. (Funny how searching for it wasn't a problem when it wasn't to be used for exercise).  Since I've found it, I've been using it for multiple tasks, therefore I still know its whereabouts.
4) Have been plugging iPod in daily so as not to wonder about power level.  This has been intentional.  Woo.
5) Deleted Bible reading application so reader's monotone, dry voice won't interrupt music mojo.  Never fear, other Bible ap (the kind where I actually read it - and I don't have to use a dry, monotonous voice) is still there.

Okay, this is wholly amazing.  The first 5 excuses have been entirely obliterated without so much as a plan of attack or a widespread effort.  I can't even believe it.  This is mere passive resistance.  Simple nickle & dime technique.  Regarding this particular list, remaining are:

6) I would have to get dressed for the run - but oh!  I have two new running skirts - but it snowed today - BUT I also have a new pair of running pants AND a new running jacket!!  So while getting out the door is the hardest part, the iPod is located, powered up and ready to roll and I have fun and cute clothes so it should actually be fun to get ready.
7) Timing


I would like to acknowledge that getting out the door will likely remain a challenge, and that gumption will probably be required for success.  I am going to pray for gumption to get out the door.

Confessions of Stupidity

I committed myself with "Well...", bolstered my courage with a swig of good coffee and dove headlong into my ugly confession about my life of lame excuses.  I don't know what I was hoping to gain - help, companionship, accountability, understanding? - but I do know that I was expecting to receive veiled condescension.  However, I should have pegged my friend, this fresh and bright soul, less severely; I should have been more expectant of patronizing commentary and sympathetic smiles.  Even that was too much.  Imagine my surprise when she fairly shouted, "I know! I can't work out because it would take me 15 minutes to get changed, and...and...and...!"

Okay, to be fair, she is a new friend, so it's not very weird that we didn't know this about each other.

We compared excuses and many were the same, and the ones that differed were equally stupid.  What a rousing conversation ensued!  (Well, our conversations are always rousing, but...)  The wonder of it was that it was NOT rooted in the misery-loves-company thing, as neither of us wanted to stay in the misery zone, but were both excited to explore the thing in an effort to kill it!  It's probably obvious that we didn't kill it and neither did we face off with it (yet), but we did some surveillance of the enemy and also did discover that we are not a one person army after all.

Dissecting A Large Excuse

How does an excuse become so powerful when the thing the excuse is suppressing is such a coveted thing?  I sacrifice all that I want physically in exchange for the power to sit on my arse and do nothing.  What?  It's not like I can't still sit on my arse and do nothing later, after a lil workout, so...what's the problem?  And what's the pull of sitting on my arse and doing nothing anyway?  I don't particularly like it.  It does feel pretty good, but so does running, even the hurting part (when it happens to hurt) - no, I really do like it, plus my ego likes it.  Anyway, it boggles my mind.

Right now I'm going to guess at the wonderful reasons I won't run tonight:
1) I'm not sure where my Nike+ shoe insert thingy is.
2) Since I don't have Nike+ shoes, I have to rig the insert thingy up in a certain way, and since its been so long since I've run with it, I don't remember how to do so comfortably.
3) Not exactly sure of my iPod's location.
4) Not sure if my iPod is fully charged.
5) Have a Bible reading application on my iPod that is loaded with the songs and interrupts the songs periodically to read the entire Bible - very annoying.
6) Would have to get dressed for a run.
7) Might have to decide whether to eat dinner first or wait.
...

Alright, this is embarrassingly nitpicky and nonstop.  Since we get the gist, I'll quit recording the humiliation.  However, I can see that I am clearly setting myself up with an impossible situation.  If I am to satisfy all of my conditions before embarking upon a run, especially with no pre-thought or preparation, a run will never happen.  I am a tricky devil!

Let me experiment.
Experiment #1:  Temporarily remove Nike+ and iPod from running experience (until I can get them under control). 
Wow, there go my first 5 excuses!  I'm sure I could easily replace those 5 with 5 more, but the point is, the excuses are just that, EXCUSES.  Stupid, imagined blockades I use.  "I use"?  Ouch.

Physical Inspiration in Multi-Form!

1) A recent regular blood lab result showed fantastic levels of everything - I am your star student - in all but Vitamin D, in which I am scarily deficient.  Now that I am in remedial Vit. D supplementing, I expect to get caught up and rid myself of muscle weakness (and other bad stuff) soon.  Soon.

2) I have somehow jumped directly from someone's fashion blog (I can't remember whose) to some exercise & fitness blogs.  Some very FUNNY fitness blogs which include the writers' foibles and difficulties.  They support the concepts I already have regarding the subject, so they feel like a strong and personable support system, and they have inspired me.  I don't know if they have inspired me enough to make a run or any other form of exercise happen, but...

3) With my REI giftcard from dear ole dad-in-law, I bought two fitness skirts (or maybe a skirt and a skort) and a jacket.  The skirts are arriving tomorrow and I am looking forward to wearing them, but that means a workout!  I also have a new pair of workout pants with the tags on...hmmm.

4) p.j. and I are heavily discussing parenthood this year, and I do NOT want that process to start without having a fitness routine established which can safely extend throughout...you know.

All this means, it's time to stop letting my feelings make my decisions.  Time to don the mantle of discipline and kick it in the rear.  At least get up and walk around the block!